Well here I am again. After telling myself I know I need to be writing more and that writing is going to be the foundation for all my other creative efforts…this mom of three hasn’t made the time. It’s incredible how life just… happens as they say. People often ask “What’s new?” or “What have you been up to lately?”. To which my response almost always begins with a somewhat long pause. Then a deep breath and exhale. Because the truth of the matter is I rarely slow down long enough to breathe let alone consider what it is I actually do in a day.
Let me throw in my disclaimer here: I am a stay at home mom and I’m thankful. But it is more than I ever considered it would be. Plain and simple. Yes there are the joys. But I’m not here to talk about that. At least not today. I’m here to talk about the “grind”. The day in day out kind of stuff that I have yet to find a logical way of explaining to anyone. It all gets summed up to “We are good. I’m learning patience”. Ain’t that the truth? Anyone who has multiple little ones or has ever stayed with children for more than 1 hour knows this to be true! But if I could elaborate on that it would sound like this…
” Every day is a battle. A battle with myself. Every night before bed I am sure to get my battle strategy laid out. I need a plan. I need a plan or I will sink. I need to remind myself every night before the next day begins that “I AM CAPTAIN” – “I AM CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP. It is up to ME to ensure the winds of chaos don’t sweep us all off course.” Every morning I repeat to myself ” Love is patient. Love is kind.” “I will be patient. I will be kind today.” Every day I do my very best to see the joy through the inevitable slightly controlled chaos. That takes me to about 8:00 am. If you’ve been there… you know. Then the real work begins. The plans I so intentionally and strategically laid out the night before are blown out of the water by several poopy diapers, broken toys, bumped heads and the bottomless pits that are my toddlers stomachs. Yet I persevere. I stick to the plan or stick to the plan to just go with the flow. You have to be ready for anything … ya know. By now it’s 10:00 and like I said, I’m learning patience. I’m learning to let go of everything I want in order to have everything I want. I’m learning what true delayed gratification is. It’s the next 20 years of my life perhaps. Maybe longer as I hear you never truly graduate from being a parent. Usually at some point in my day someone says “Wow, you’ve got your hands full.” Which has bothered me lately. Mostly because I feel it requires a response… one I’m too tired to give and can’t think of anything that’s not sarcastic in response. But now I’ve decided I will just say “Yes! I do! And I am so thankful.” I hated hearing those words ” wow, you’ve got your hands full” because it was eluding to the idea that I’m tired, worn out, overwhelmed. Which I am all of those things to be completely honest. Yet I AM MORE THAN THAT. Tired, worn out, overwhelmed is how I FEEL. But I AM thankful. I am fully equipped through Christ to live a Godly life of patience and kindness. And although I have my plan so that our days aren’t total chaos, Jesus guides me when the waters get stormy. He says, “Slow down. See that rock up ahead? If you move slightly to the left, it won’t be a problem.” He reminds me that I am not alone. He too knows how it feels to have someone shouting your name relentlessly, grasping and pulling at your clothes and challenging my every attempt to teach. He met each of those things with the most gracious love known to man. So I’m learning patience and being beckoned closer to the beautiful heart of the Father. I get to see his gentleness, his love, his patience as he deals with me and my shortcomings as a parent. I get to see his love by how he encourages me in the things I’m doing well. I’m getting to experience His faithfulness during the times when I feel my worst. ”
Maybe it would be something like that.
Recently I was listening to a worship song that sang ” where there is new wine, there is new power”. We discussed in our small group how the grapes being crushed produce the wine. Wine is symbolic for power in that it represents the blood of Christ that was sacrificed for us to be free from our debt due to sin. When we are squeezed by our everyday grind good things can come forth and in that is power. So yes. My hands a full. My days are full and I am looking into the eyes of Jesus more than ever. And I am seeing his power. “I”ll keep my eyes above the waves”. I won’t sink.
Not eloquently written or even grammatically correct but it’s written. Someday I’ll be glad for it I’m sure.